The End of Vacation

The end of our vacation is here; I will leave the Hyko Lake tomorrow. Then back to work for 3 days straight.

These few days have been an incredible time of reflection on my feelings, my life, my focus. I can't say I've found the answers to a lot of things- but I have found times of rest and peace. I have also felt similar feelings of being lost and lonely that I have been feeling intermittently for the past few months. It brought me back to an almost scary realization of where my mind was leading me and how hopeless life felt. It was nice to be in the presents of my Mam-Mam...to have some wonderful wise advice, and to have her comfort. Even to simply be reminded that sometimes life is hard- marriage, mothering, having a career- it doesn't come easy. There are certain periods in life that are especially hard; but the future is not bleak. My feelings are allowed to be there, but to keep going- and happiness will surely find me again! Amen for that!

On a much lighter note...what is best- The lake, the beach or the pool? And what vacation is 'perfect'. I can't answer that, of course, because nothing is 'perfect'...but some things are great.
*The front porch of this house, overlooking the lake with a beautiful and comfortable screened in area...a place of rest and peace where we sat and drank coffee (yes, all four of us had coffee- me and the girls decaf, mom's caf) and watched a few storms come through- listening to rain and feeling the breeze.
*Kayaking during a gentle morning breeze (which unfortunately, made my not-so-buff-arms hurt quite a lot)
*Watching three of my favorite girls playing bumper cars or bobbing in the water
*Watching my babies learn freedom to 'let go' and swim on their own (of course both are still wearing their "sinking suits" to help them not sink)
*Snuggling up to take a nap with my little snuggle bug (Pey)
*And finally, bringing back fond memories and smiles of days gone past...of days and memories I hope to provide my children. [We went and visited my Grandpa's old house- it was unrecognizable by my mom...but it was beautiful, in a different sort of way.]

I still don't care for the fish- especially when LG points out that she sees a huge catfish- and she does; or the fact that if I sit still I feel kisses up and down my legs. I don't care to not be able to see my feet because the water is dark and murky, and lets be honest- doesn't have "that clean fresh smell." I don't like being isolated on a dock where I feel like I have to be on my toes watching my babies so they won't topple off and into water (not deep enough on three sides to sink in, but surely a long enough fall landing in water to scare them).

But after all...The worst thing of all and the best thing of all is that I don't get to have sand in between my feet- but I also don't have to have it in my bathing suit :)

Vacation

VACATION!!!

Such a needed thing...it's time for a few days with the girls~ Mom, myself and my girls. We arrived after a long hot drive into the country; and when I mean country, I mean dirt roads, tobacco fields, and little tiny shacks that look like if the wind blows in their direction too hard it would fall down- but there are people outside and on the porches. We pulled into the most perfect little house for us, at the very end of the road. It is decorated perfectly, is just the right size for us, it has a beautiful screened in deck and a gentle grassy slope down to a lake filled with memories from my childhood.

We are at Hyko lake; finally!

We came to do a little digging...to find some of our past, and to enjoy each other! This is the lake my grandfather lived on when I was a child. We've come to dig up the memories of what it was like to spend hot summer days floating on tubes in muddy water; to find his house and see how it has changed; to allow my girls some similar memories to mine; and to see whether the beach is where 'vacations' are meant to be.

What I can tell you from the beginning of the trip is...
*Vacations also bring emotions and sometimes "health issues", if you will, for little girls. It's hard to be away from home.
*Little girls are afraid of fish, just like their mom was when I was their age (and to be honest, still am)
*The yucky mud just isn't the same as the nice cold sand in between your toes...actually, it's caused me a few belly flops already trying to avoid the last step into it, while telling the girls mommy meant to do that :)
*The murcky warm water isn't quite as appealing or as refreshing as nice cool water
*But it is all so peaceful and restful...the porch is perfect for coffee, a devotion or dinner!
*Sitting on a dock watching the water splash around you is like drifting away to another place
*And the final added benefit for now- there isn't sand all in your bathing suit and unwanted privates when you go home

More to come from vacation...including pictures at the end!

M & M

Are you more like Martha or Mary?

Do you live life choosing to sit at Jesus feet, soaking in the love- the knowledge, his presence? Or do you rush around, trying to get everything prepared to serve Him better.

Do you find peace and get fed, or to you worry and feed others?

Which one is right, which one is wrong?

Neither is wrong...life is about finding a balance of both. We should feed and serve....but the worrying is not part of the game. AND we can't feed without first being fed.

Jesus calls us to come, sit at his feet. Find peace, find His presence, find His love~ and THEN you can feed his lambs appropriately.

Thank you Jesus for this lesson this week~ We went to a new church and this was the basic sermon....and I am Martha, I am a worrier, a stresser, and anxious over most anything!! Lord let me learn to be more like Mary!!

Simple Pleasures

***A few parts may be a little explicit; sorry!***


The feel of nice clean sheets, or a "light or hard kiss" (because 'I like kisses mommy'), or baby soft skin rubbing across my face...
The taste of an exquisite meal, cooked with the help of four very small hands, a sweet kiss from someone I love so dearly, or an ice cold beer on a hot day...
The sound of K-love (I really love this station!), especially my new favorite 'Lead Me' by Sanctus Real, my children's laughter- it's like angels ringing in my ears, and the words 'I love you' from a 2 1/2, 4 1/2 and 30 year old...
The smell of fresh cut grass, a nice clean baby, or a fresh cup of coffee (since I don't drink caffeine and my brother tells me drinking decaf is like sex without an orgasm; I often just savor the smell)...

On another note, you know what is NOT a simple pleasure? A gym. You may ask what? But yes, I repeat, a gym- like the kind of room full of cardio machines where people are sweating grotesquely; a room full of weights that is meant to only make things burn and ache, and often really hurt if not done right; especially a room full of people who are trying to impress other people by what they can do. This, to me, is like hell on earth. Most recently, I know- be proud of me, I joined the Kernersville YMCA. A place where family is brought together and supported in an environment aimed at healthy living. A place that is FULL of these kinds of rooms...basketball courts, racquetball courts, walking tracks, numerous pools, aerobic classes including aerobic dance classes, even kiddy work out and play rooms (most of the rooms I am too clumsy to even be aloud to set foot in). PUKE!! It's HELL! It's actually hot in there, especially when you are working your butt off...and you are sticky, and yucky. BUT ALAS~ this place, while it may be good for my body and my ever growing waist size (yes, I have gained almost 15lbs and 2 pants sizes since I moved here); it is better for my mind. It is important that I get up, get motivated, get out of this emotional funk I am in and do something good to release endorphins that will make me happy. THEN, it may not be hell anymore. My sister says she's sorry for me that I see it this way...me too. I'll let you know how I feel in about 6 weeks....

Until then, at least I am following through with my commitment to work out!

This is the Day

This is the day...This is the day that the Lord has made, that the Lord has made. We will rejoice, we will rejoice and be glad in it. This is the day that the Lord has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it. This is the day, this is the day that the Lord - has - made!!!

Thank you LG for continuing to remind me of this!!!

I have made myself a pact today- I need to be held accountable. I need to do something good for me. Regularly. No, I'm not talking about shopping, or a massage, or a date alone with my husband- which I DO need all of those (feel free to help me accomplish them!). But to be a better mom, a better wife, a more positive and happy person- I need to work out. I need to increase my endorphins and make my body 'feel' happy, even when I feel like everything in the future doesn't look that way. I don't know how I'll make it happen...when or where. But I will find that place and I will commit to do it.

July 4th

It's summer time and every one's favorite day has arrived...time to watch parades, fireworks, and cookout with good friends and family. What were my plans? I was supposed to work the entire weekend, so was Randall- so we didn't make plans. We sucked it up, and realized- our time to celebrate with the people we love and care about the most and have a really good time will just have to be another time. That was OK....wait, except, LG came home with a fever from the babysitter, then woke me up in the middle of the night with an even worse fever...YEAH!!! no work for me, right? Nope- not right.

I am sitting at home with a sick child (who of course when she has Motrin/Tylenol is running around and only a little fussy), and feel like yet again my world has been turned upside down. What now? Still no plans...except that I am the bad guy because my girls don't get to go to the babysitters and have all the fun THEY intended to have (parade, pool, cookouts, church with a friend and fireworks).

Why in the world do I find this mothering thing so hard? I never thought I was a selfish person...but here lately I feel irritable and frustrated because it is coming out more and more. I am tired of being the jungle gym, I am tired of being fussed at, whined at, and on the beckon call for two little people that I don't think know the feeling of grateful. Probably my perspective. Would just be nice if there was a manual to each of them...how to make sure they become successful in life; how to become loving, kind and good Christian ladies. But there's not.

So, I sing to myself the chorus of one of my new favorite songs (a song LG knows and sings too when it comes on the radio...maybe I'm doing something right!):
"We pour out our miseries, God just hears our melody. Beautiful the mess we are, The honest cries of breaking hearts- are better than a Hallelujah." Amy Grant

So my honest cry Lord today will be HALLELUJAH!! For all that today might be!

The Zoo

Last weekend we went to the Asheboro Zoo. The morning started off with the temperature of 78 degrees at 9am...we were in for a hot day.

Oh but it was so much fun!

Pa, Nana, Hubert, Frankie, Paula and Trevor (grandparents, great aunts and uncles, and cousins) All packed up from Boone, met us down here and we all went to the zoo for a day of adventure. It was certainly that!

We saw all the animals, ranging from Polar Bears (my favorite) to Zebras (LG's favorite) to Giraffes (Pey's favorite) to monkeys (Daddy's favorite) and everything in between. The weather, although hot, was beautiful with plenty of shady spots to rest in. We had a magnificent time, and the girls can't wait to go again!

The added benefit of an animal assorted carousel and a 4D movie about Dora and Diego were just like whipped cream and a cherry for the girls.

Anybody up for doing it with us another time?

(the price wasn't that bad either!)

Ms. Amy

I want to be just like Ms. Amy.
I want to be patient, and kind. I want a happy, bubbly personality that is infectious. I want to have a more positive outlook on life. I want to play games and create activities with and for my kids. I want to get up in the morning, even if I don't have to, to get my day started and do good things for my body and mind. I want to be more dedicated to learning about the Bible, and not feel so stretched thin that I feel like I don't have time to spend with friends. I want to work hard, and love what I do.
Every day I come in contact with Ms. Amy, my day is better, my life is happier. My children are happy, and peaceful and protected. They eat well, and like what they eat- because it's a nice home cooked meal. I feel SO blessed, because God put Amy in my life just when I needed it...to listen when I need it, to be a friend when I feel lost and without them, and to love and care for my most valuable 'possessions' in life.
Ms. Amy is my babysitter.

Let's go fly a hight...

Up to the highest heights, lets go fly a flight and send it soaring. ~ Mary Poppins

We tried yesterday to fly our kite. We went to a big open field where we've seen kites being flown so many times...evidently the wind is better for their kites, or they just know how to fly a kite and we don't. All to say, our kite didn't fly. Maybe that's because we are from the mountains, and kites just get stuck in trees there!

Lilly Grace also got to go see her 'new school'. We are hoping to put her in a 3 day a week program, the same place the babysitters daughter goes. It was much more intense than the last one she was in- but I think I'm looking forward to it.

Honestly, I feel so unsettled and irritated and achy inside. Of course every one's question is PMS? Ha Ha! No...just this awful feeling, and my family- well, Randall especially, is paying for it. I just want to be happy, but feel myself spiraling into something else.

Work continues to be good- overwhelming though. Definitely not a daily routine...more it's like something new every moment of the day. The apartment remains the same, not really a place I can find 'home' at- I guess because I know it's temporary. The space is not so bad...it's just a sense of not being able to settle there.

Maybe Internet will be fixed this week...I keep crossing my fingers, and praying- I think we found out the next step. THEN I can write more- on one subject and maybe happy messages!

A Very Large Village

So you ask, does absence truly make the heart grow fonder? YES! While Randall was in school, I couldn't wait to see him; the girls couldn't wait to see him. When we were together it was like a party full of beautiful dances :)(with occasional fusses, of course)...but for the most part it was awesome!
HOWEVER, We all learned a different way of life...Randall learned to survive at school, and then enjoy a 'break' on the weekend. The girls and I learned to survive with the help of so many important family members, then to have a 'break' on the weekends. All of us changed so much- we learned to live without each other.

All to say, it's been quite an adjustment to be back together. For all of us. Randall and I are getting to know each other again. (Nothing else should be said except it's quite an adventure). But the hardest things is being down here, raising the girls...I feel like we are missing something. That quote "it takes a village to raise a child" keeps coming to mind. I have two children....how many people are in each of those villages? Except, we don't have them. It's just me and Randall. Maybe that's a compliment to my family and to Randall's family. Thank you for being our village for the past 10 months. I don't know what we are going to do without you!

Greedy Me

What a weekend! We 'stayed home' as in- we didn't head to Boone...probably for the first weekend since I've been down here. Saturday my sis and her family came to visit, then my mom and dad ate dinner with us (what a pleasure to serve them!) and then Sunday we met Randall's family at Hillsville, VA for a flea market. No, they don't have real fleas there - I had to make LG aware of that...but we did see an awful lot of junk, and a bit of fun stuff mixed in.

Work is becoming more of a habit; by that I mean not such a task...it doesn't quite demand my brain like it did at the beginning (although it still requires a whole lot more thinking than I remember, or had gotten used to at my other job); and I think my legs are getting a little more in shape, as the walking miles and miles isn't quite so bad.

Our home, I've decided is a very comfortable little haven. I know I flip flop back and forth....but when my mom saw it, she reminded me how much we take advantage of having a lot of space- and 'maximizing' on our expenses and lives to "just get more". We are a greedy kind of people, not ever just becoming content. I know I am that myself...always wanting more...always greener on the other side. Truly, is it though? Maybe I am becoming content enough to live at our house and not wish for another one...although it would be nice to have Internet that doesn't come and go!

Home Sweet Home

(I actually wrote this on Wednesday...but internet mishaps (again) kept me from posting it.)

What were the theme words to that TV show- Cheers....something about going to where everybody knows your name. Basically, it broke down to a place you felt yourself, felt comfortable, happy and at home.

This weekend we went back to our house in Deep Gap; and this feeling of ease....of peace...of coming home overwhelmed me as I walked in and saw/smelt/felt the presence of my home. I didn't feel lost when I left, but I certainly felt different while I was there.

Today, we went to the park, and that song came to mind- maybe because I felt so out of place. There is rarely a day that goes by in Boone that you don't 'run into' someone you know. We all joke that Walmart is the place to go meet up with friends (by this I don't mean I am a redneck that hangs out in the parking lot with my truck and my boyfriend). But seriously, the park, the grocery store...these are places that you feel comfortable with. Part of that comes from living in a town your whole life, but the other part is that it's a small friendly- and smiling community. (PS- DO NOT TAKE THAT FOR GRANTED, PEOPLE DO NOT SMILE EVERYWHERE!)

I guess I realized something about myself while I was at the park...I always thought I was an extrovert like my dad.Someone who was able to go anywhere and make a friend. Maybe I used to be...but as I settle into my life; and by that I mean become more and more happy/content as a mom and wife; sister and daughter- I realize I might be an introvert like my mom. I CAN make friends, and I CAN be happy anywhere...but I am more uneasy to do that in an unknown place.

As I read back over this I find the word 'comfort' A LOT. I guess I am being pushed out of my comfort zone....thanks God for the realization! I know it's not bad, just some days harder than others! I miss my friends, I miss my old job, I miss my family...I MISS HOME!!!

Change

Is the only thing consistent in life truly change?
Change can bring fear, or relief, best friends and certainly new experiences.
Each day here we have faced change.
This last week has been an exceptional week of change for all of us!

I did my first 2 12hour days on the floor back to back. That started off the week in an exciting and very exhausting way. Being back on the floor I worked on before Lilly Grace was born, I knew what to expect, or so I thought. My first day was a shock. I knew things would change, especially since the manager and most of the staff had turned over; however- it was the same type of floor (oncology), so how much could really have changed? A LOT. Let me tell you, from the computer programs they use, to the atmosphere on the floor- everywhere I turned something was different. By day two, I was back at home, I didn't feel lost or like I had made the wrong decision anymore. I jumped right back in, and by the end of the third day- I was told I was 'kicking butt'.
By Wednesday morning, my first day off, the one thing that still continued to shock me was my complete exhaustion. I could not get over how hard the first two days had been. I didn't remember how hard being on a floor was- from waking up at 5 am, to the 10 mile hike from the parking deck to the floor and back(well, maybe not quite that long...but if you've ever been in this hospital you know what I mean), to not sitting most of the day, and the constant running back and forth. On top of all that, my mind racing with 're-learning' this all. Hopefully, it all will get better- because I can't be napping multiple times on my day off :)
I did work one more day on Thursday, which was smooth and pleasant and a whole lot less exhausting by itself.

The girls days have been fabulous! I could not ask for a better family to be watching them! Their house is perfect, their yard with playground equipment, all the toys you could dream of- but best of all, their newest 'best friends'. 'Aubey and Doey' as Peyt calls them, have made this transition smooth and happy. They ask every day when they get to go back!

Today, Randall and I took the girls up to my work to visit and to play on the 12th floor playground. You should see the view! This week we have been to parks four times. The thing I love about them (that Boone should get!) is that the ground underneath the play equipment is a soft rubber kind of stuff. SO cool! The weather isn't quite what I expected (I thought it'd be hot all the time)- but the pleasant weather has been nice reasons to get out of the house!

Tonight, as I was making dinner and listening to the radio- and a song by Chris Tomlin came on- and LG started singing 'I will rise on Eagles Wings'. She said- we listen to that at our church. Still a sad point for all of us, as we so miss doughnut church!

Overall, the transition has been nice. This has been a rambling post- but that's us for the week- Changing daily and enjoying it all!

SQUEEZE

The girls and I have been spending the evenings alone this week. I actually kinda like it...don't get me wrong, I love when all four of us are together- but it's been nice having Randall on a 1p-10p shift. The girls get the morning with him, and the evening with me. One on one time (in doses) is always wonderfully pleasant to be with the girls. It's good for quality time, and conversation. Due to that, dinner time can often be amusing, but tonight, my heart was warmed by LG saying- 'mommy, did you know you are going to be a flower girl?' of course I asked why, thinking she was referring to my flower patterned shirt or something; that, however, would be too simple. She then said 'because you are going to be MY flower girl!' What can you do but squeeze them? Then conversation slipped quickly back to who was winning at eating there dinner (my attempt to speed up the eating process). Who won you ask? Pey finished her salad first, and LG her other stuff- so we declared it a tie :)

Do you have a dishwasher? Mine is smaller than my coffee pot; well maybe I'm exaggerating a bit- maybe it's just BARELY big enough to fit a coffee pot (seriously, not much more). I didn't even know they existed this small. It's unbelievable how you cannot even fit a whole meal worth of dishes in there. But did you also know that dishwashers clean a whole lot better (and I don't just mean efficiently) but actually BETTER than hand. Just a something I've observed while washing up our dinner dishes.

As I am putting the girls to bed, I told them a story (they like us to create them, rather than books) and I told them something about them growing up and becoming great mothers, and Pey said 'just like you mommy?' She got a huge squeeze too :)

And for closing. I've loved my week at Baptist. In Boone, I often used to wonder 'what were they thinking?!', or noticing how different people were. I still notice my differences from others here. Somehow, though, this week I find myself reveling in the fact that we were all created so incredibly different. I have come to a HUGE institute, where we all have a common goal of serving others, and making people feel better. I love hearing different accents, different inflections on words, the very different way people view things. Each day, I see and hear reminders that we are all special, no matter what we believe, or where we came from.

Surprise Surprise!

When I thought about moving into this house, I had some expectations...things, if you will, that were going to bother me- maybe grate my nerves. I have found myself in the last week sort of taken aback by what truly has become my irritating factors. Maybe a better perspective would be how much I realized I am thankful for my dark wood floors that don't show constant dirt; and my hot water heater that is bigger and allows for me to take an entire bath of hot water vs only partial. Who knew that cabinets under sinks were so precious?

This list could go on, but the long and short is too often we aren't thankful for what we have. You know- the grass is always greener on the other side; that is until we realize that it was "better in the frying pan than the skillet" (as one of my instructors told me this week.) All to say, don't forget what you have that is a blessing- even the little things.

[And by the way- as I write these, realize I am terrible with grammar and punctuation- I actually see my best friend Emma Annie critiquing it in her mind. Love me anyways and excuse it, please- especially you Emily!]

Home Sweet Home

Day 1 was the start of this 'Next Phase'; and the epitome of what I'd call adventure. Randall had to work so his dad, uncle and aunt helped me and the girls load up and make the trek down the mountain. I had spent the week packing (without Randall's help), so who knows if I got everything we needed (I am finding out daily I didn't)....Not to mention the exit from what is better known as 'The Black Hole' was pressed by impending rain. We rushed out the door, down the mountain, unpacked from the cars and then the family was off- and me and the girls were left here to start shoveling through the piles that were left here for us. I must not forget to mention how our sweet little girls clogged the bathroom sink with toilet paper and let the entire 1/2 bath fill with up to an inch of water. We are not positive if it was Pey, but LG swears it was- guess we'll never find out!

Day 2 was mothers day, and we tried a new church- definitely not what we were used to. Pey let us know this by asking on the way out of church 'Are we going to doughnut church now?' By the end of the day most boxes were unpacked- still, though, the 6 trash bags of clothes (yes, I am not kidding, Nana must love her girls because they are literally full trash bags) still sit piled in our tiny closet. When I get time, those will be rifled through. It will be like Christmas for the '19 kids and family' TVShow, except we only have 2 kids- and a one bedroom apartment :)

Days 3-5 have been pretty consistent: Mommy goes to her new work (orientation for a week) while daddy takes the girls to the new babysitters. Then daddy goes to work, mommy picks up and we make dinner, do baths, books, stories, then bedtime. I am loving work- can't wait to get on the floor though and stop listening to speakers and looking at computer modules. That will start next week though!

Anyways. The adventure thus far is a pleasant and happy one. It's not taking as long as I thought to get in a routine, but that will change weekly as our schedules change. We are LOVING being together after 10 months, and looking forward to THE NEXT PHASE of life!!!